Sex and the Cemetery
by Jade Munro
Summary: "Buffy" in the style of "Sex and the City", with the gang facing various relationship issues. [Set around the start of S6]
1. Default Chapter

Sex and the Cemetery ****

Sex and the Cemetery

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Sunnydale in December. Whereas in, say, New York you'd find people rugged up in their winter best downing hot cocoa, in Sunnydale you'd be more likely to find them sitting by the air cooler downing snow cones.

So it was on a typical warm winters day that I met with Xander and Will for some walk and talk.

"So she wants you. Boohoo! At least you've got some, I don't know, life in your…life," Willow moped.

Xander scratched at his head for a second, looking perplexed. "See, I don't get you. You and Tara have a good 'thing' going on. At least she isn't trying to kill you. Be thankful."

"Oh, Anya is **not **trying to kill you," Willow replied with an exaggerated eye roll.

"Trust me. If this keeps up, there won't be any life left in my life. Cause I'll be dead. Ergo, lifeless."

"A little less with the death speak, Xand," Buffy intoned.

He glanced at her apologetically. "Oh, right. Sorry. Check; no more death."

"Nah, it's okay. Besides, I always said I'd die before meeting the perfect guy. Well, the perfect guy who **isn't **a vampire. But, this being round two…or is it three? Anyway, whatever round, I'm ready to kick on with life. Currently being alive, I think it's a valid step."

"Seems like a reasonable choice," Willow added.

"But, since we're on the topic of being without, uh, well let's just say 'being', Will, what's the sitch with you two witches?" Xander inquired.

"That's the thing! There is no sitch! We're sitchless!"

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As I listened to Willow and Xander trade stories of over and under lust, I wondered. Was Xander right all this time?

Are all relationships on the Hellmouth doomed?

The more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed. My own attempts at relationships turned out to be life-threatening disasters. Or, even before I started dating someone, they ended up being something evil.

At first I figured it was only my track record. But then I remembered. Willow's own roster had a werewolf, a computer demon and another witch. Xander's was a little more decorated, with a mummy, a praying mantis, a Slayer, an ex-demon and Cordelia.

Not to mention Spike, who so won't be mentioned.

Even Dawn, at fifteen, was having a crisis.

"Did he look? Is he looking?"

Michelle, another mid teen, discreetly glanced out the corner of her eye. "No…oh, no wait! No! Don't turn around! He'll know you know that he's looking."

"Maybe that's good. Maybe eye contact is good," Dawn suggested.

"Um, excuse me? What universe are you from? You don't want him. You aren't even interested."

"How's that supposed to help?" Dawn asked, incredulous.

Michelle gave her the gaze of an experienced soldier. "Trust me. Remember Kevin?"

"You went out with him for three days."

"Totally! If you want Brad, you have to start playing things less obvious. 'Cause my mom always says, less is more. Oh, head down. Here he comes."

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Brad. The suave guy of Dawn's year level. The one that all the girls wanted to be with, and all the guys wanted to be.

"Uh, hey Dawn," he clumsily said by way of greeting. Dawn, under the instructions of her guru, Michelle, waiting a moment before giving him her attention.

"Hey," she casually replied.

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And that was that. For the next minute they sat and nodded like two people who have nothing to say always do.

"So how'd it go?" the younger Summers' asked as soon as the object of her desire was out of earshot.

"Oh, he's so in to you," Michelle confirmed.

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The game of cat and mouse was on. Meanwhile, Xander played mouse to Anya's cat. As for Willow, she was a cat who may as well have been playing with a ball of wool.


	2. Chapter 2

"Say, do you think that this is a little too snug

"Say, do you think that this is a little too snug?" Willow asked her reading lover.

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For the last hour she'd been trying to get Tara's full attention. It had gone from trying on different outfits to being one step shy of modeling her birthday suit. Each attempt came with the same response.

"No, it's nice."

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After that same disinterested observation, Willow finally lost it.

"No! It's not 'nice'! It's sexy and wild and stuff!"

Tara finally pried her eyes away from her book, to give her girlfriend a scrutinizing look. "Sexy and wild? I thought you didn't do sexy and wild. Uh, and stuff."

"I do too! I…here I am. All Willow and ready for action."

She didn't sound convincing and was clearly uncomfortable in the skimpy number that she'd bought just a few hours earlier. Tara got up from where she was lounging and walked over to her, giving her a light kiss on the forehead.

"You don't need to get dressed up like that to get my attention," she said softly, taking Willow's hands in her own. "I love you just the way you are."

"Okay! Great! Then let's…I mean, I'm good to go here."

She gave the once again sandy blond witch her best seductive smirk, trying to angle them towards the bed. Tara responded with a warm smile, and leaned in for a gentle kiss on the lips before pulling away.

"Not right now. I'm reading this new book on pagan rituals that Giles gave me. It's really interesting. There's one on an incantation that…"

The red head tried to hide her disappointment and obligingly flicked through the new volume, when a spell caught her eye.

"Unassimilated Lust," she read to herself in a low murmur.

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Willow had found a supernatural aphrodisiac. The ingredients, it turned out, were things they already had. She was convinced that some sugar, a few herbs and some chanting would solve her problems.

As Willow contemplated sugar and spice making everything nice, I dealt with my own issues.

"Come on. If that's the best you've got I may as well go home," Buffy taunted the dazed vampire. Giving him a second to get back on his unstable feet, she knocked him back down again with a devastating blow to the jaw. Leaping over a tombstone, she finished the job with a quick jab to his chest, then went about the task of shaking the dust from her clothing.

The sound of applause coming from behind her made her snap her head around, ready for action, only to see Spike, lit cigarette dangling from his pale lips.

"Well. Quite a show you put on, there, Slayer. Poor sod never stood a chance."

Allowing herself to relax a little, she tucked her stake away in her coat pocket. "Yeah. Not bad for a gal who was recently as dead as him."

The reminder of her death and subsequent resurrection made Spike flinch, not wanting to dredge up the unbearable pain he'd felt when he'd set eyes on her lifeless form.

"Right. But, uh, how you dealing with that? The being alive again, I mean," he stammered.

"It's okay. I'm okay. The gang is glad to have me back. And, Giles leaving us in charge of the magic shop has helped. Helped me settle back in."

"So it's all good then? No hassles?"

Buffy allowed herself a thin smile at his concern. "Yes. All with the good."

The two stood in awkward silence for a few moments, before Buffy spoke.

"I…Willow told me about how you…how you protected me. Uh, my grave. Protected my grave," she told him, for some reason nervous.

Spike turned away from her, embarrassed. "Couldn't leave you open for pickings now, could I?"

Buffy paused before taking a step towards him, ignoring how uncomfortable she was, tracing a new scar that he'd attained while preventing a swarm of demons from reaching her resting-place.

"Thank you," she said sincerely, before again increasing the distance between them.

"A fella has to do something with his nights, don't he?" he asked, trying to brush off her gratitude.

"I guess so," she conceded, allowing it to slide. "Look, I hate having to ask you this, but…" she trailed off, unsure how to continue.

"He came," Spike confirmed for her, not needing for her to ask. When she looked at him, a little stunned, he went on. "I know what you're gonna ask. And he came. Just once, but he was here."

Buffy contemplated denying that she was going to ask about Angel, but instead decided to satisfy her curiosity. "Just once? One time and that's it? I mean, maybe you missed him."

The vampire shook his head. "I was out here every night. He showed up for a few minutes then left. No one's heard a peep from him since then."

Buffy took that in, trying to block the hurt. Spike was right; no one had heard a thing from him. Calls had been placed to the LA offices many times and on each occasion Cordelia would answer, and on each occasion she would say that Angel was on a case. Not one call was ever returned.

"Nice to know that he cared," she whispered, staring at her hands.

"He…looked pretty broken up," he gritted out, loathe to defend his grandsire even to put his unrequited loves mind – and heart – at ease. "I know he's not usually the most chirpy bird on the branch, but he looked pretty off. Even for him."

The Slayer accepted the comfort Spike was offering, however small it was.

"Right. He was just upset. I'm sure he'll come by…or call."

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I put on the brave face. Half because I wanted to believe what Spike was telling me, half because I didn't want him to try and hug me.

But I couldn't help it. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. Luckily, I got a much-needed distraction.

"You take the one with skin condition," Buffy ordered.

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So, while I fought bloodsuckers, Xander fought his own hungry demon.


	3. 3

"Oh, God…" Xander moaned pitifully

"Oh, God…" Xander moaned pitifully. He was beneath Anya, feeling as though his bride to be was bludgeoning him to death.

"Oh, _yes_," she hissed in return, continuing to ride him like a mechanical bull. She leaned down and nibbled at his ear, something that would normally drive him wild but now only made him whimper and want to crawl away, sobbing.

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It was their third session for the night. Their sixth for the day. And Xander was cursing his virility for the first time ever.

"Xander, Xander! Yes!" the former demon screeched as she finally began to climax.

"Yes?" her suffering fiancé asked hopefully, his voice unsteady with exhaustion.

"YES!" she screamed in reply, hearing his query as nothing more than sex talk.

After a few final spasms, it was over. Anya rested her sweat-covered forehead on her lover's shoulder, panting heavily, sated at least for the moment. Xander, on the other hand, was praying to all the Gods he never knew existed and the one's he'd made up over the last few hours for her to be done so that he may live to fight another day.

"Wow," she breathed, still gasping.

Closing his eyes and hoping her next words wouldn't involve 'wanna', 'go' and 'again', he agreed. "Wow indeed."

"So…"

Panic. "So…?"

"Wanna…"

Hyperventilating. "Wanna…?"

"Maybe…"

Distress. "Maybe…?"

"Go…"

All of the above. "No! No more! I can't take more!"

Anya's face changed from one of satisfaction to confusion, before she finally finished her suggestion. "Go take a shower before bed."

Xander was sure that, had he not already been a dark shade of red after his physical exertions, he would have been now. "Oh. Right. Sure."

He quickly jumped up and clapped his hands, hoping that Anya would ignore his outburst. When he turned back towards her, she hadn't moved and was still watching him with a wondering expression.

"What was that?" she demanded in her usual, clipped way of speech.

"Nothing. Uh, what was nothing? I mean what?" he rambled nervously.

"That! This, you're all jittery!"

"No I'm not," he answered, jittery.

"You are. Your mouth in twitching! Why is your mouth twitching?"

Getting himself under some semblance of control, he tried reasoning. "It's nothing. Let's drop this and have our shower, okay?"

"No! We can't drop things. We're going to be married."

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He wasn't sure at first, but he bit the bullet and decided that honesty was the best policy.

"That's just it. Ever since we got engaged all you've wanted, I mean more than usual here, is to have sex. Sex, sex, sex all the time. I never though I would complain about that but Anya, come on. You're killing me."

"You don't want me!" she practically shouted.

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Or, maybe it wasn't.

"That's not it! It's just that, lately, you've been going into overdrive. I'm tired all the time, I've been slowing down at work. You just…what's going on with you?"

"With me? You're asking what's going on with _me_? I knew this would happen! After we got engaged you started losing interest in me. Admit it!"

"What? No!"

"Well it's happening, isn't it?"

"That is not what's happening."

"Oh, please. I saw this kind of thing go on for over a thousand years."

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And on it went. Xander ended up spending the night on the couch. His only complaint after finally getting a decent night of sleep was a stiff neck. Which, he thought, was better than a stiff something else.


End file.
